Life In the Thing That Smacks Into Things
by WanderingTonberry
Summary: **Chapter 4 up** Status: Complete!!! The big night has arrived and the festival is about to take place. How will the Tonberry ever survive the night? R/R
1. The People

Title: Life in the Thing That Smacks Into Things  
Author: WanderingTonberry  
Notes: Well, I suppose it's kind of like a sequel to Would You Like a Souvenir. I mean, It's the same Tonberry, who, unfortunately is carted back to Balamb Garden by Selphie. So, here goes! Life for a Ton who's sort of like a pet.  
  
~~~  
  
Sometimes...I wonder whether or not getting knocked unconscious from hugs and carted back to this... 'Garden', was such a bad thing. I mean, sure I was kidnapped in...um...Semi-broad daylight, but perhaps it was for the better. Why? No more weed picking for me! Not to mention I got to wear something that wasn't brown...Even if I did look a bit ridiculous in it.  
  
When I had regained consciousness, I was in the room that belonged to the female who had squeezed the living daylights out of me. Selphie, her name was. She was nice though. Always had a good supply of sweets on hand. I found myself becoming increasingly fond of these things called 'Twinkies'.   
  
Anyway, about my clothes. To begin with, I only had the brown robe I was abducted in. The hyper girl thought I needed something that wasn't so drab. I didn't want to walk around naked, so I agreed. What was it? Well, again, I'm not too sure. She calls them 'shorts'. They end right above my feet and there's a hole in the back so my tail could fit through. They were actually pretty comfortable. She also made me a little shirt. I thought I was going to die when I saw it. Do you remember what I said about souvenirs? Well...She put one of those annoying catch phrases on it. So in the end, I was stuck wearing yellow shorts, and a white shirt that said "My buddy went to Cetra and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."  
  
I didn't die from shame, amazingly. It seemed that people were rather taken with me. The females of their race, at least. I think the males resented all the attention I was getting. It wasn't unusual to be scooped up and cuddled when all I was doing was climbing up on the water fountain for a drink. I often heard comments like, "Those adorable little shorts bring out your eyes so well!" or "That shirt is so funny! It matches you down to your skin!" Was it because the letters were in green stitching? Oh well.  
  
The two male members of the party that I had run into seemed to take just a strong liking to me as most of the female population had. I was well known around the 'Garden' (I still think it's a nuisance. We hit a barn yesterday). I can't count how many times I was hurtled into the laps of adoring fans when it smacked into something. I guess I was popular. Heehee.  
  
Anyway, I became somewhat like a mascot to Selphie's group of friends. Well, her main group of buddies. It seemed she was friends with just about everyone! I mean, it's amazing how she can say 'hi' to everyone in the hallways without getting weird looks. Then again, I can't even really lift a paw without being scooped up by one of the students or instructors.  
  
Well, back to her group of friends. They were a weird bunch. Sure they were nice, always pampering me (especially the small blonde, his name is Zell I'm told) but they all have such weird personality quarks. Shall we elaborate a little?  
  
Let's start with Selphie herself. She has so much energy, it's hard to believe. Personally, I think it has something to do with all the Mountain Dew and Hostess Desserts she eats...I could be wrong. She's neat, though. She gave me my own little bed next to hers. Sheets, pillows and all!  
  
Next, the pseudo cowboy... I believe his name was Irvine. He seemed kind of like the big Ton. Why? Well, he just seemed to want to mate with everyone! I liked him, even if he was distracted half the time with whoever was walking by. More often than not I'd steal his hat from him. I liked it! Made me look rather...dashing. The way I could tilt it up just a little and you could catch the gleam in my eyes...Just sexy.  
  
Well, let's talk about the next person on the list. The instructor, Quistis. She was really kind to me, scratching where I never really could seem to reach. I think she's mating with that nice girl I met several days ago...Now what was her name...? Xu? I think that was it. She's really nice too, but I'll get to her later.  
  
The next person on my list would have to be their leader, Squall. He always seemed so quiet, but I always prided myself in making him laugh. It really didn't take all that much. The first time was easy. I stuck two straws up my nose and started wavering around like a Grat. He thought it was priceless. Then again, I had never seen his pale skin turn so red...  
  
Then there was Zell. He laughed at basically everything. I think that's why everyone liked him so much. He made you feel good about yourself. He's cozy with the taller blonde I think. I mean, they're always fighting, but I catch them snuggling when I spend the night in their room. I also like Zell's tattoo... It looks just like the great dragon Bahamut, doesn't it?  
  
Next, we have Zell's secret mate, Seifer. He's the one I stabbed back at the ruins. Though he's somewhat of a bastard, he's actually really cool when he's not showing off. He even spars with me. Not something many students are willing to do. I think I kind of hurt him the last round... I hadn't honestly thought he would have tripped and fell on his rear when I was counterattacking! I wasn't my fault...Heehehee...Honest! That lantern appeared by itself! And the whole setting his clothes on fire? Pure Coincidence. Heh. He wasn't too angry though. I had gotten the soot marks out of his pants.  
  
Was I forgetting anyone before I move on to those outside of the group...? Ah yes...Squall's horribly annoying girlfriend. She was so...clingy. She was a sorceress too. But not a very good one... I think I went into a seizure the first time I heard her laugh. Not to mention the fact that my cup had exploded into little bits of ceramic when she squealed. That first time I had heard her go, "Squuuuuuuuuuaaaaallie-poooooooooo" I had lost my favorite cup. Now I make a note to put warding on my glasses and cups whenever she's around.  
  
Well, moving to those who aren't usually in the group, we have Xu. She's a pretty lady. I'm not exactly sure what she does around the 'Garden' but she always seems to have time to give me a piggy-back ride around the Bridge. I liked her.  
  
Finally, we have Nida. He was a nice guy, I guess. He flies this big monstrosity. I feel kind of sorry for him... I have this feeling he has a crush on the commander. But he's with that...THING. Rinoa...I really didn't like her. Perhaps I'd work a little of my Tonberry magic and hook them up. All I needed was the right moment...  
  
Well, maybe I'd explain the different parts of this flying hulk of a building later...I had plans to make! Tonberry match-making services were now open for business!   



	2. The Places

Disclaimer: Watashi no dewa arimasen.  
Author: WanderingTonberry  
Notes: Nothing really...But I can't be held responsible if the story is just plain scary! But if you must blame someone...Blame Rinoa! That always works, doesn't it? ^_^  
  
Chapter 2: Places  
  
I wandered down the halls toward the Cafeteria, mind brewing up ways to make the quiet boy who was so nice to me happy. Of all people he just had to choose the Resident Iceberg, didn't he? Heehee. I took that term from Zell. I wondered what he was up to.   
  
I was getting sidetracked. I would get myself something to eat and a beverage and contemplate the means it would take to cast my campaign. This was a full-fledged war! Imagine the manpower it will take to pry Rinoa from my target... It might take 3, maybe 4 SeeD's to accomplish such a feat!   
  
I tugged on Seifer's pant leg. I wasn't tall enough for the lunch ladies to see me. I always need assistance. "Well if it isn't everyone's favorite pyromaniac."  
  
I snorted softly in amusement. He still must be miffed about his pants. Was I right or what? He picked me up by my armpits and set me on the aluminum counter in front of the plastic sneeze-guard. At least that's what I thought it was. Whatever. Interesting! I'm starting to sound like my target! Talk about getting inside your prey's psyche.  
  
I pointed to a ham and cheese sandwich, a pack of Twinkies, and a carton of milk. The kind female gave them to me on a tray and Seifer put me back down on the ground. I waved my thanks and waddled over to the tables.  
  
When I arrived at the seating area, I looked around for Selphie's group. Irvine spotted me and picked me up so I could access the booth. I stole his hat in gratitude, placing it on my head as he placed my tray before me. "I really should shoot ya for stealin' my hat...again!" He laughed. He didn't mean it and I knew it! Hey, perhaps I should hook him up with someone. Well, I'd consider that later. Chow time!  
  
I removed that wrapping from my sandwich and took a large bite, not really paying attention to the conversation floating around the table. All I caught was Rinoa was babbling about a shoe sale in Deling City. Did I care? Hell no. I took a long swig of my milk, eyes narrowing. I felt like I was in one of those old westerns Irvine watches all the time. Ol' Dirty Rinny wasn't gonna be walkin' through these parts much longer. This was Tonberry country!  
  
"Don't get anything on my hat, ya hear?" I waved the cowboy off, attention returning to my sandwich. A little too much mayonnaise, but it was still good.  
  
I gave a thoughtful chew as I polished off my Twinkies. Why didn't they put more than two in a pack??   
  
Now where would be the perfect place be? After all, the place set the mood! I needed someplace where Squall would open up...and Nida wouldn't go all silent in his shy state. I started listing off places in my head.  
  
I couldn't use the Cafeteria. As public as it was, it might just be too public. I was sure Nida would find a way to get distracted before he could admit his feelings for his frosty leader. Besides, Rinoa would easily find Squall here. We couldn't have that, now could we?  
  
The Garage? No, that wouldn't work either. Neither of them showed any bizarre interests in moving vehicles. I mean, this 'Garden' is enough trouble as it is...But couldn't they discuss that? I mean, Nida does pilot it! But...Oh forget that. I come across the two blondes making out in there often enough. Seifer was a very demanding lover, apparently. Not that I've ever heard Zell complain... Oh, except for those times when he can't walk. In those cases, he complains a lot. Mostly to me for some reason...  
  
Gah. New place, new place. How about the Training Center? They could, like...um...Fight Grats? Maybe I'd do my Grat impression for Squall again later. Perhaps he'd, I dunno...Feel like going and whooping a few? Ooo...But I didn't know how a good a fighter Nida was. Well, he was a SeeD... We'll put that off to the side for now.  
  
What about the Library? It was quiet...Lots of books...They also had a great collection of manga! In fact, I spent most of my time there reading. I had also found this book about Tonberries. Needless to say, I learned more than I've ever wanted to learn about my body. Who would have thought that was reason I didn't fair so well when I ate broccoli? Heehee. It also explained my love for those little yellow crème-filled treats, but not how I was going to succeed in getting Nida and Squall together.  
  
Let's see...The Dorms? Well, maybe that was a bit too personal for a first date. I mean, I'd be quite proud if that's where they ended up, but surely it wouldn't happen so soon! Only when you date Irvine does that happen. Heehee. Actually, I was just teasing. As far as I knew, the guy was a virgin. Don't tell though. Might ruin his image.  
  
That leaves...The Infirmary and the Quad. As great as it would be for one of them to go in injured while the other stayed loyally by his side...things would get complicated. If it was Squall who went in, Rinoa would kick us all out and try and nurse her 'Squallie-pookums' back to his usually silent self. And if it was Nida...My eyes sparkled. But no. I couldn't do that to him. But it was an idea. Not a good one, but an idea nonetheless.  
  
Quad it is! I was pretty sure Selphie had planned some kind of event soon. What was it this week? The Lover's Festival? Perfecto! The Great Matchmaker of The Cetra Ruins would strike again! Bwahahahaha!!!  
  
Irvine gave me weird look as I started laughing a bit too insanely. I gave him a blank look, then stuck my tongue out at him.  
  
"Oh how cuuuuuuuuuuuuute!! Lookie Squall! Doesn't he look just like a little cowboy?"  
  
My orche eyes went large as I heard It's voice. Oh Great Ton, save me...  
  
Rinoa scooped me up into her arms, smashing me into her cleavage. How many times had it occurred to me these looked fake? It seemed air would be becoming a problem soon...How many times was this going to happen??  
  
"Aww...I think he likes me! That little milk-mustache makes him look just like a little western bandit!!"  
  
I glared up at her, paling. Quick, someone get the respirator...I'm not going to make it...  
  
"Oh, and the hat makes him wook so cuuuute!!"  
  
Why does she talk to me like this? She acts like I'm a kid or something!! I'm old enough to be her Grandfather! Irvine? Someone? I'm going to need CPR...Call the medics...  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Planning

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters...Although I really wish the Tonberry was my creation. They have so much personality, ya know?!   
Author: WanderingTonberry  
Notes: Umm...None so to speak of... Oh! The Ton does some tailor work...Read and Review? You will? Thanks!  
  
Chapter 3: The Planning  
  
It wasn't long before I had successfully gotten all the details about the Lover's Festival. According to the little book hidden underneath Selphie's mattress, the festival was a fantasy come true for lovers. Something she...I shouldn't have been reading this, right? Oh well...Anyway, from what I could gather, it would be kind of like the festivals they once held in ancient Greece to honor the Goddess Aphrodite. Grandpappy knew her. He always said she was 'damn fine' for a human. Well, she wasn't really a human, now was she?  
  
The basics of the festival centered around the wine that the SeeD's would make themselves. It would be like it was straight out of the old days. Couches, bowls of fruit...Slaves. I grinned. This is where Nida came in. I always suspected he was a submissive fella. Well, here was his chance to fulfill a dream of his own! I tended to visit at inconvenient times. Walked in on some scary things...But dreams were one of my specialties! Along with Chinese Cuisine and matchmaking. I also liked sewing...I'm the youngest of 20 berries! I was Mama's little Tonberry! Can ya blame me?  
  
It had only taken a few seconds to creep into his dreams for a look at what was brewing within his unconscious thoughts. Sure, it was breaching his privacy. But he'd thank me when I got him the position as Squall's slave! Heehee...Only time would tell, wouldn't it?  
  
As for his dream, it wasn't all that complicated. Squall had bought him at a brothel...and he ended up serving him...In how many ways? Let's not go there. Who would have thought the boy was so sexually curious? He always seemed so shy. Well, as the saying goes, "It's always the quiet ones!"  
  
I dug through Selphie's files on her desk, looking for the designs for the togas. Sure, everyone designed their own, but Selphie and Quistis were doing the ones for their buddies. I was also accepted into the planning community. Not only could I sew, I had exquisite taste in fabric! I mean, it's so obvious! Everyone with eyeballs can tell that Emerald trim on Seifer's toga would bring out the flecks of green in his eyes!  
  
While the girls would sew most of the designs, I was allowed to make adjustments in the patterns where I thought fit. I would make everyone proud! A nice modest piece for Quistis, but something that would show off her slender build... Something teasingly revealing for Selphie, but nothing that would make her appear...easy. Perhaps a longer skirt for Xu. She had nice legs.  
  
For the men...That would be a bit more difficult. Zell would most definitely want something he could move around in. Tight clothes really didn't seem to be his thing. I was almost positive that he'd end up in the slave auction. So...He wanted something comfortable? Loincloth it was! What? All the slaves needed something to show their status! I decided on a gold trim to the black fabric. I thought it would contrast nicely with his pale skin. It was a given Seifer would be his highest bidder. As popular as Zell was, I seriously doubted anyone could outbid the tall man I had set on fire.  
  
Seifer's garb would have to be elegant. As tempted as I was to leave a few pins in the final product, I wasn't that mean. Or maybe I was. But I wanted to make him happy, so I decided to be nice. I would give him a cream-colored fabric...Soft to the touch...Emerald Green on the edges. Something to suit his haughty taste. No doubt he wanted to be the best looking one there.  
  
I heaved a sigh. I was getting tired just thinking how much all this would take to put together. I reached for my can of Mountain Dew, gulping the liquid that resembled a rather unpleasant bodily fluid down. Perhaps if I didn't think about it...   
  
I wiped a paw across my mouth. Alright! On to the next vict-...Person! I suppose that left Irvine, Squall, Nida, and...Rinoa...How I was persuaded into designing her garb is beyond me! If those Twinkies hadn't looked so ooey-gooey good, I would have said no! I was developing a weakness...  
  
I shook my head violently, trying not to picture that scary woman in a toga. No questions asked, she'd want something revealing. Grr. I'd give her a set of drapes and tell her to wear that...Muahahaha...Something baggy...I liked the sound of that.  
  
Irvine! I would give him...Something simple. I doubt he was all that picky. He had volunteered to help MC the festival. I don't think he'd be too active during the games. Probably get smashed with the wine, but that was his choice. Plain white sounded good. I bet he'd where that hat...Well, maybe I could steal it from him before anyone saw it mixed with our creation. The girls would kill him for making their toga look stupid.  
  
For Squall, I'd give him a milky gray. I think it would make him look irresistible! And that's what I was aiming for. I had to make Nida look good as well...They had to be the only thing each other saw...Not too difficult.  
  
Nida...Nida, Nida Nida...What to do for him? I had tailor's block. I chewed thoughtfully on the end of my pen. What would I create for him? Perhaps...a blood red. Crimson! He was so pale...It would look like milk and blood! What a contrast! Was I good or what? Bow down, bow down!  
  
I scribbled down my final thoughts for Selphie to follow when putting the pieces together. Now...All I needed to do was find someone to accompany me to the material shop. The closest city? I think it's called...Dollet?  
  
I picked up Selphie's phone and dialed for Irvine. He'd take me.  
  
"Howdy, Irvine here."  
  
Good, he was in his room!  
  
"...? Anyone there?"  
  
I mumbled something. I never was too good with the human tongue. Sure, I could read and right it, but pronouncing their guttural language was a pain. I think he got the gist of what I said.  
  
"Oh, hey. Need a ride? Alright, alright...I'm come by and get ya."  
  
Great! I never really needed to talk much. People mostly understood what I needed to say by my expressions and actions. I could be a mime! I giggled at the thought. I hopped off the pile of phonebooks I had been sitting on and made my way to the door as Irvine came in.  
  
"Where we off to today?" He looked down at me, an amused smile on his face. "Let me see... From the papers scattered, heap of MD cans...and the aspirin bottle...I'd say we are off to the fabric store!"  
  
At least he was smart. He picked me up and we headed to the entrance, signing out. It wasn't too long of a walk, but he kept whacking me when I stole his hat. Eventually he just gave up and let me wear it.  
  
When we arrived at the store, a rather pudgy man who looked very willing to take my money greeted us. I didn't trust him...and he needed a shower. It was unbelievable what kind of a stench was rolling of this guy! Irvine had his handkerchief pressed over his nose, mumbling something about dust. Loser, I knew he was dying from the smell!  
  
I coughed a little and starting selecting fabrics. I ran my paws over some silky fabric the color of old wine...This would do nicely... Squall would get a nice surprise when he touched Nida's toga... I had to have this fabric!  
  
I tossed the rolls I wanted into a little basket I had found near the door of the shop and gave it to Irvine to place on the counter. I envied him. Not because he was tall enough to do things I couldn't, but because he had something to lessen the smell and I didn't!  
  
"That will be 11000 gil." The shopkeeper gave us an oily smile. I blinked. How could it be that much?? I narrowed my eyes, whipping out my abacus.   
  
As I calculated the numbers, he has started to sweat. Hyne, could this place smell any worse? This was even worse than Rinoa's perfume! At least that smelled like a fairly recent carcass smothered in herbs! This man smelled like road kill! OLD road kill. The kind that sticks to your tires even after you've driven for a few miles.  
  
I handed my abacus to Irvine who squinted at it for a moment before lowering his blue handkerchief.   
  
"Looks like you overcharged my little buddy."  
  
The sulfuric-smelling man shook his head violent. "No way! That's the correct price. Let me see that!"  
  
He snatched the device from the cowboy's hands, playing with the beads quickly. I growled and climbed up a stack of material next to wooden counter. I stood right before the man, a death glare on my face, half-hidden beneath Irvine's hat. Inside I wanted nothing more to pay and get some air, but I held my ground. No way I'd pay that much! I pressed the tip of my chief's knife to his flabby throat. Guess this was a time for words.  
  
"...Cheat."  
  
"N-no! I j-j-just...um...miscalculated...P-price is 9800 gil..."  
  
I smiled in satisfaction and handed him my coin purse. I wiped my knife off on his relatively clean shirt and hopped down to the floor. Irvine picked up the bolts of fabric and we headed back to the Garden. I had a date with a sewing machine and the girls would be expecting some help...Things wouldn't be the same 'round here...  



	4. The Event

Author: WanderingTonberry  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Although I do know someone who works for Squaresoft (yah!), but still not mine...Quite sad, really...  
  
Notes: I'm sooo outta the writing groove. Just stay with me, I'll get it right eventually! Eheh... Dang, lots of fics to update. Well, if this part isn't as long as you like, I apologize. Well, on to the story! My wonderful Warning message was composed by my good buddy RantelWolfrider. Steal and die (she said it, not me ^_^()).  
  
Warnings: If you look through my fic/In the words you will find/The plight of a Ton/ Who's losing his mind/The men they are queer/And if you this alarms/Turn right around/  
And head back to your farms/Slavery, mentioned/But nothing obscene/In fact, this fic's rated/Mere PG-13/So for those of you who/Would still like to read/Sit back and relax now/(The Tons, please don't feed)  
  
~~~  
Chapter 5: The Event  
  
I was wiped. No Tonberry should ever have to sit in front of a sewing machine for that amount of time...My rump hurt. But it was all worth it, I suppose. With my assistance and generous intake of caffeine, the girls and I had finally finished the gang's garb for the Lover's Festival.  
  
I chuckled as I lay in my little bed, listening to Selphie's snores. It was actually quite amazing what kind of volume she could produce...I mean, she was small for a human! But then again...She had the squeezing power of a vise! A power to suffocate I knew all too well...  
  
I rolled over, stuffing my head under my pillow. I should probably sleep a little. Tomorrow was the big day when my carefully planned matchmaking scheme would all fall into place. Not only would the Garden have a new couple AND I could watch Rinoa's reaction. I had always wondered what would happen if she lost Squall to someone. And if that someone just happened to be a man. A male who just happened to be prettier than she was. Oh, this was too good...How was I going to be able to sleep with all this glee waiting for me??  
  
~The Next Day~  
  
Yes indeed...I was really just too good at what I did. I smoothed out the folds on Seifer's toga, making sure everything fit as it should. Not bad at all.  
  
"Hey...I kind of like it. Good job, Squirt." I glared. Bastard. He just grinned.   
  
"Ya, good job!" Zell was cool about this kind of thing. Always said the right thing...Well not always. But he got it right today. I was proud of him, as well as myself. How many times had I mentioned how proud I was??  
  
I turned to Zell. The girls wanted him to be dressed without Seifer in the room. A good idea for more than one reason. First off, we would be able to get to the festival on time. Otherwise, we'd have the two lovers' endless sex drive to thank for us being late. Besides, wouldn't it be all that more satisfying for the big guy if he got to purchase Zell while seeing him displayed on stage? Of course it would. Don't fight with me on this one.  
  
As Selphie dragged the hyperactive blonde off to her room to get him dressed, I followed Irvine to Nida's. Time to dress him up for love! I scampered faster down the hall, eager to get things underway. I had spent one too many hours last night staring at the ceiling and listening to Mt. Tilmitt rumble all night long.  
  
Nida opened the door with a smile. "What are you guys doing here?" So naïve he was...Wahaha! He hadn't the faintest idea that today was going to be his day! The day he finally got a decent shot at Ice Man Leonhart without the bothersome Ms. Clingy guarding what she thought belonged to her.  
  
"We're here ta dress ya up. Wouldn't have guessed it, now wouldja?" Irvine grinned. You gotta have loved his sense of humor. The guy was classic!  
  
Nida's eyes grew slightly. "What do you mean? I...What's going on??" I waved my paw and pushed past him and into his room. I pulled the toga I had made for him free from the bag. I sighed. It was truly a work of art. All the precision stitching...The careful selection of fabric and design...The many times I had stabbed myself with the sewing pins...The flood of cursing that followed...Ah, such sweet memories. Well, down to business!  
  
"The little guy down by yer desk made ya something to wear for the big event. Now just save us some agony and strip." So to the point he was! I couldn't have stated it better myself.  
  
Nida complied meekly, putting on the garment with little complaining. Sort of submissive actually...I started getting ideas in my head. Not exactly a good thing when you associate two beautiful young men...Well, at least they complimented each other. One never really knew what Squall Leonhart really was. He was just kind of...mysterious...and... "there". Sort of like the commanding presence floating somewhere in the air. He was neat like that.  
  
"It's a little...um...long." Crud. I had misjudged his height! I swear, things like this were always so difficult when you were only 3 feet high. Everyone just seems so tall, it's hard to judge their actual height!  
  
Well, no problem a little alteration couldn't fix! I pulled out a pair of sewing shears from the sleeve of my robe, cutting the material, than quickly sewing it by hand neatly. There. What?? I don't always carry these kinds of things with me! It's just for the occasion! I wouldn't have anything going wrong today! No way, no how!  
  
Nida looked at his reflection in the mirror, a look of wonderment on his face. It occurred to me that he probably hadn't thought he would have looked this good.  
  
"W-wow..." I nodded in satisfaction. I signaled to Irvine and he tipped his hat.  
  
"We have a festival to be at. Come on."  
  
"You're not selling me to the auction, are you...?"  
  
"Nope. You've been paid for in advance."  
  
Wow. He actually fainted. No matter, this would work out for the better. Our favorite pseudo cowboy hefted him over his shoulder and walked out of the room, heading for the Quad. I grinned. Oh yes.  
  
~~~  
  
Places! And...Lights!   
  
"Hey, Everyone! I just want to welcome you all to Balamb Garden's first Lover's Festival!!! Remember, no actual sexual play in here, it's still the Garden! But feel free to let your wild side roam back in the dorms! Well, I'd like to start off by informing you all that the Slave Auction will be opening within a few minutes. I hope you've all saved up your gil, because the more beautiful the body, the more he/she will cost! Have fun!!!"  
  
There was a tremendous roar of appreciation from the crowd. Yup, only Selphie could cause such a reaction. Saying such bizarre things and still making it sound perfectly normal. Hell, she was Selphie. I guess that explained it all.  
  
I watched from my perch next to a large potted plant of ivy. I was lucky it wasn't the poisonous kind, or I'd be itching out of my robe in seconds. I was on look out duty. I had somehow convinced everyone (minus Squall, mind you. He didn't know yet) on getting Squall and Nida together. I had a pair of binoculars and a walkie-talkie in hand. I was on Wench Watch. No chance like a snowball's life span in Ifrit's hand would I let her ruin this!  
  
I turned my attention to the stage to watch the auction unfold. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't reviewed the list of the participants...Oh boy, this could be scary...  
  
Selphie strode back onstage in her short toga, one that resembled her usual jumper dress to a scary extent. She stood along side Irvine. I guess he was going to auction the slaves off...I really should have read that pamphlet...  
  
"Let the bidding begin! Our first prize on the block is a gorgeous young lady looking for love. Her hobbies include writing short novels and working in our very own library! Give it up for Tina, the Library Girl!! Now, who will give me 100 gil for this smart young filly?"   
  
I shook my head. Only Irvine would compare women to horses. Then again, I always had liked horses. They were so friendly, if not a bit stupid. So much nicer than camels. Not only did camels smell bad, they spat. Some loser once told me that getting spat on was lucky. My tail.  
  
"Sold for 500 gil to the lucky...um...Person in the purple sheet!" Apparently I wasn't the only one who got confused with the gender of humans. It's was really hard to tell now days.  
  
"Next, we have a familiar tattooed face in the auction tonight. In his free time, he likes to practice his martial arts and play video games. Everyone has seen him bouncing in the hallways, or stuffing himself with hotdogs in the Cafeteria...Give it up for Zell Dincht~!"  
  
And the crowd went wild. You wouldn't have believed me unless you were there! The bids for the spunky blonde just kept climbing with Seifer in the lead. I stretched. I hoped this wouldn't take too much longer...I wanted the festival to go on already. After all, how much gil could these students have to bid??  
  
"And wouldn't you know it, folks? Sold to Seifer Almasy for 50,000 gil! Geez, wasn't it obvious who'd take this one?" The crowd laughed and Seifer gave him the finger. Selphie led Zell off the stage and handed his leash to a very feral looking Seifer. Oh, Great Ton...  
  
The rest of the auction continued in a similar manner. Irvine introduced the slave, bids were taken, and then Selphie handed the poor person's leash to its rightful owner. Yes, everything was pretty much going the way I had expected. Then it happened. Something that brought a shock to the entire crowd...  
  
"Last but not least, we have our final slave for the evening. He spends his time mentoring to the students and playing chess! He also owns about 20 of those "Mr. Rogers" sweaters! I'd like you all to give it up for Headmaster Cid!" And there he was... Walking out onto the platform in his toga. I covered my orche eyes with my paws... Needles on a Cactaur! That was something I never wanted to see in my life ever again.  
  
The shock that rippled through the mass of students was incredible. First there was silence, which was soon followed my sharp gasps of amazement. Then they cheered. Another tremendous roar from the crowd. Lucky for us though, Edea was the one to claim our husband. Also lucky for us, she was the only one who bid. I honestly don't know if I could have handled seeing one of the students buy him for cuddle time...That was just wrong. Just very, very, wrong.  
  
"I have one final announcement, everyone." The crowd quieted and focused their attention on Irvine. "We do have one other slave here tonight, but he's special. He has been bought in advance for a very lucky person out in the audience."   
  
I laughed silently to myself as a rush of murmuring went through the crowd. "Who could it be? Who's getting this supposed treasure?" All the questions fell along that line of thinking. Oh, the moment was near! I could almost taste it! Wait...Never mind. That was the pack of Twinkies from lunch.  
  
"I'm sure you're all wondering who the slave is and who he's going to belong to for tonight, so we won't make you wait any longer. Selphie, our gem of the auction?"  
  
Selphie smiled widely and took the mic. "Squall Leonhart, get your groove on because we have purchased you a slave of your very own!"  
  
Oh the look of horror on his face was priceless. He couldn't believe we had done this for him. The gathering of students and instructors went into an orchestra of laughter, loving his reaction. Now, the real shocker hadn't even happened yet. I would bet my lantern that almost everyone thought Squall's slave would be Rinoa. Little did they know we had duct taped her to her bed last night while she slept.   
  
"...You've got to be kidding me..." Yup, he was horrified all right.  
  
"You don't even know who we purchased for you yet, silly! Don't judged till you have a test ride!" Oh, that did it. He was blushing quite furiously now. But not nearly as much as Nida who was being led to Squall's couch by leash. Selphie placed the leash in Squall's hand and grinned.  
  
"...H-hi...Squall..." Poor Nida. He looked like he was going to die from sheer terror or joy. It was exceedingly hard to tell. I hoped it was the later. This had all been so hard to arrange!   
  
Nida kneeled awkwardly at Squall's side, a soft smile on his lips. Although he was still blushing quite furiously, he seemed a bit soothed when Squall returned his smile. Yes, perhaps this would work out for the best.  
  
"Well, with that all said and done, let's give our commander and our Garden pilot a hand!!" The masses applauded, once again embarrassing them indefinitely. Yes, this was too good.  
  
After the applause died down, the festival actually began. Slaves pampered their masters, and the masters basked in the glory of being worshiped. Nida and Squall were off to a good start. Nida was feeding him grapes and murmuring soft praises of his master's beauty. That's when she showed up to ruin my plans. Grr. How I hated that woman.  
  
I switched on my walkie-talkie, calling for Irvine. I muttered, trying to find him in the room filled to the brim with silk decorations, plants, couches, and cooing humans. Ah, there he was. He pressed his earpiece further into his ear to hear my warning. He nodded and moved to intercept the evil wench...And he wasn't fast enough.  
  
I hopped down from my scenic perch and made my way through the crowd. I actually made it fairly close without too much trouble. Although I had slipped in a puddle of wine along the way... Maybe I should call someone to mop that up...  
  
"Squaaaall!!! What's Nida doing here? You and I were supposed to snuggle! I would have made it here sooner, but someone taped me to my bed. I almost thought nobody wanted me to come! Isn't that silly??"   
  
She tugged on her impossibly short, low-cut outfit. Well, I was kind of hoping she'd have worn that sheet I had left her. Plans don't work out perfectly, now do they?  
  
Nida looked disappointed and quite embarrassed. Squall? He looked downright annoyed. Anyone who was paying attention could feel the tension in the air. Some actually paused in their loving attentions to watch the scene unfold.   
  
"What are you still doing here?" She waved a manicured hand in Nida's direction. "Go. You're going to get in the way. Squall and I have some cuddling to do!"  
  
Nida nodded slowly, willing to leave if Squall so desired. That's about when the Icy Commander dragged Nida up onto the couch and gave him one of the spine-melting kisses. With tongue! I didn't expect any less. If Squall could be described as anything aside from Anti-social, or Stoic, or Silent, or...Nevermind. He could be described as thorough! Made sense, didn't it? Of course it did.  
  
The evil wench dressed in enough fabric to make a hankie stood with her eyes wide and mouth open. It didn't look very becoming of her. I clicked my tongue softly is disapproval. Before she could burst into her typical bout of tears and whining Irvine and Raijin hefted her by her twiggy arms and tossed her out of the Quad. I grinned. Life was as sweet as a pack of cupcakes.  
  
I'm sure Seifer would have loved to be a part of that whole scene, but he seemed just a little bit too engrossed in coaxing pleasing sounds from his slave. I rolled my eyes, turning away as one of Seifer's hands disappeared underneath Zell's skimpy attire. Looked like they'd be busy the rest of the night.   
  
Well, it appeared my latest quest had come to a satisfying completion. Nida and Squall were exploring each other quietly...Seifer and Zell were...Well, they were being Seifer and Zell. Quistis and Xu were snuggled up, talking to each other in the corner alongside a passed out Irvine. He must have indulged in the wine after tossing out that horrific creature in frosty pink lip gloss out. Selphie was playing games with some of the more coherent couples...and me? I was going to retire for the evening. I had my share of excitement to last me for a day or two.  
  
As I was leaving to return to Selphie's room, I made sure to step on Rinoa. Yes...Life was really pretty good in the thing that smacked into things.  
  
~owari~  
  
~~~  
  
Yup, It's finally done! Comments? Wanna see a sequel? Wanna smack me for having sucha bizarre sense of humor? Let me know! Thanks for reading! Jaa!  



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